Take Care

"Where does it hurt?" That's a question the civil rights legend Ruby Sales learned to ask during the days of that movement - a question she found to have a power to drive the heart of the matter. It's a question we scarcely know how to ask in public life now." 

Those were the words I heard coming from my headphones two weeks ago while listening to this podcast on my walk to work.

Where does it hurt?

That question has been haunting me a little bit. Haunting probably isn't completely the right word - I definitely cleansed my life and new house with sage last week, so ain't nothin' haunting me right now. 

Asking this question, both to myself and others, was like opening up Mary Poppins' bag of emotion. Things just kept coming! Where was all this stuff hiding? And how it all fit made no sense, but Mary doesn't freaking care. She's just gonna keep emptying the bag!

This isn't a self care post where I'm going to give tips like, "Eat 24 servings of kale!" or "If it's overcast, cut out construction paper suns and tape them to your window so you can trick yourself into thinking it's real sun." As thoughtful and nice those types of articles are, every time I read them I just go *_*... Duh.  I'm not saying they aren't helpful, I'm just saying I don't need them to talk to me like my mom.

Look, it really sucks to not feel okay.

The term 'self care' is all the rage right now, and for good reason. We the people of this world are tired of burning out. 'Self care' is a clear and to the point way of encompassing the idea that we need to make sure we are taking care of ourselves. I prefer using 'the things I have to do to keep me from sticking a fork in my head because my whole world is literally going to implode,' but for the sake of word count, lets just use 'self care.'

So this is me comin' at ya from the middle of two hard weeks. Heck, I'm comin' at ya from 11 months of a pure mess, where everything I used to do to help me cope suddenly stopped working. Kind of like my work wifi does every day. I am currently at such a ridiculous point that, as I write this, I am literally using the voice to speech on my phone to create this rough draft, because typing this out felt too overwhelming.

Two things this month has taught me

 + I'm really not much good to anyone if I am not good to myself. 

 + Taking care of yourself isn't a checklist (as much as I wish it was. I am VERY good at lists,) It's stupid that it took me so long to figure out that I wasn't going to magically feel better after I checked a few boxes. It's really an ongoing process, isn't it? It's this continual gathering of resources. 

Here is what I found has worked for me. These are the things that are a step further than just "drink 80z of fresh spring water!" Just some ideas. Really I'm just writing this to say "hey, I hope you're doing okay." What are you doing to stay okay? I wanna know. I've got a lot of time on my hands, wanna get some tea?

Anywho,

Keep it intentional. Keep it thoughtful. Keep it FUN.  Here's how I'm trying to deal with me stuff

+ No. Full Stop. 

Saying no. This is the hardest thing for me. My default mode is to try to please everyone and avoid confrontation.
Kiley Jenner is the master of selling her lip kit and I am the master of pleasing everyone in this world.

Stop spending so much time saying yes to others and spend more time saying yes to yourself.

No, I'm not in a place to take on that project right now. No, I can't do that for free. No, I think my time would more useful somewhere else. No, You don't get to talk to me that way. No, I don't think I can go out with you. No, that doesn't feel right to me.  No, you will not go on the Price is Right without me thankyouverymuch.

Doesn't it just feel so good to say no sometimes?

I heard someone wiser than me once say that they have "incorporated saying 'no' as a spiritual practice." I'm not really sure what that means, but I really like it.

Some of the people I look up to most in my life are the people who say "you know, I wish I could do that thing, but I think it is best for me to say no to that." I respect those people. Those are people who do some good work.

P.s. This isn't a pass to not do hard things or things you just don't feel like doing. I really want to use the word selfish, but *ugh* I'm just not going to because then I'll get into this long tangent about my definition of the word selfish, and I've got macaroni cooking so, maybe another time.

+ A Wiggle Wiggle Wiggle

I hope you get that song reference. Please get that song reference.

Not everyone is going to be able to be chill with this one, but let me tell ya, gettin' down makes me feel like a whole new person. Five minutes of hard core dancing is like coming out of a little cocoon and becoming a butterfly. (A really terrible dancing one but nonetheless, a butterfly). I'm like BAM. New me, who dis?

If you are feeling brave, you can make a dance video. This is one of my most favorite things to do.  I am so excited for everyone that attends my funeral, because they are going to get the reveal of all reveals. My secret dance videos. I'm not brave enough to reveal them now, so you're going to have to wait. I'll probably still blush in my grave. I would like to bare my testimony that I have no idea why this tactic works for me, but it does.

I know that everyone, such as your mom and Doctor Oz tell you this; BUT MOVING YOUR BODY IS SO IMPORTANT AND I ALWAYS FORGET THAT. You just feel so much betterrrrr, For me it's: Hiking. Yoga. Dancing. Repeat.

You can catch me at Area 51 on Thursdays for 80's night. See you there.

+ Getting Clear

Putting words to paper is like sending a maid service into my head to start picking up the mess. When things are really bad, I lose all of my desire to do anything creative, and then I feel worse because I try to force it. So I streamlined it and created a ritual I don't have to think about. I take some paper and sit down and ask three main things. (Sometimes other questions come along as well.)

- What do you want?

I usually answer this with, 'a really big ice cream cone from Arctic Circle with the chocolate around it'

- How do you actually feel?

Usually answered with, 'Really annoyed that I even have to answer this question.'

- What is going on?

Answer, "Everything really sucks and literally my life is ruined."

And a new question; Where does it hurt?

Getting clear has been good self care, because it makes me step back and look at what is actually going on.

+ Words that Push, Pull & Hold

I've spent a lot of years collecting what Valerie Kair calls "Treasure Troves of scripture." These are the songs, quotes, poems, and art that offer perspective and feeds the hungry parts of my soul. They may not fix things, but they keep me going.

I have a notebook where I keep passages I love from books.

A notebook where I take random notes from epiphanies and conversations.

I keep a list of slam poetry and talks that keep me feeling good. I also love this pep talk generator from Babe Vibes

+ Sacred Places

The mountains, your best friends couch, the empty place in your head, your therapists office, the coffee shop you've been going to for 5 years, your bed, you're parents house, your favorite climbing route, the yoga mat, the library, the corner of your closet by your candy stash, your sick bike.

Whatever that sacred place looks like for you. Whether physical or maybe a little bit more abstract.

This weekend I was invited to attended a mini retreat put on by the Sacred Living Movement. It was a day of sisterhood, community and letting go. Being with my tribe. Coming into a circle Talking about our crap. These are the sacred places that offer refuge.

To take a second of vulnerability - that I hopefully wont regret later - I called and made my first appointment with a therapist yesterday. Something I should have done two years ago, at least.

The thing about shame is that it tries to tell you that you don't need to ask for help. But turns out in order to help process that shame it requires support. Which requires asking for help. But you don't ask for help because you feel shame. So then you feel shame about not asking for help. One of the biggest lies we tell ourselves is that we can do it alone.

Really ridiculous, but so true.

I once met someone that admitted they carried a picture of their celebrity crush in their pocket/purse to remind them they weren't doing things alone. *pause in blog post for ridiculous laughter*

Honestly, the most fail proof plan I've ever head.

+ Get the hell off the internet

Stop reading this now and go get some pizza with someone that makes you feel good about yourself. (Or something gluten free or vegan. I love all of you.) And please, for the love of all that is good and holy, please stop reading the comment section. You don't need it in your life right now. Unless is Amazon. Some of those product comments are really good content.

Take care. I trust you. I'm here if you need me.

A Vacation just to Vacation

San Luis Obisbo (or SLO, if you are a local) is quite possibly heaven on earth. I thought Seattle or Portland was a crunchy granola person's paradise... But SLO really took the vegan cake on this one. Home to a gum wall, an incredibly old Catholic mission, lot's of picky people food, no drive thru's, world's smallest airport, and quite possibly the friendliest people (aside from Mormon missionaries of course.)

Not to mention that ocean view. 

Library / Mama, bare: the birth of a mother

Three words: communal, vulnerable, refreshing

A few more: I saw this book sitting on my like minded cousin-in-law's bookshelf while visiting California. I promptly order it after she told me how wonderful it was. Beautiful short essays/stories/vignettes from women about their postpartum experiences. I need to start gifting this to my friends and clients. If you're a new mama, get this book. If you've been a a mama for a while, get this book. If you like to read about women's motherhood experience's, get this book. I'm also crazy about this cover art.

Here's a taste: "Stories of birth are celebrated and shared freely, as they should be. But the hollow moments afterward- the first day, the first week, the first month - are strange and foreign places to be, and are hardly talked about at all. In our opinion, this leaves new mothers feeling forced to carry on as if nothing much has changed. They stumble into motherhood blindly, uncomfortable in new skin, fumbling with the wanting body of a newborn, an the birth of a Mother, and the death of an Ego."

This Summer, or Just a Lot of Mountain Pics

The highlights of summer as told in a list of best hike and pictures of these hikes

Hiking Timpanogos. 15miles. 12 hours (took a long break at the top) One of my favorite accomplishments of this year. It just felt good ya know. Opinion: Everyone who is capable should do this hike at least once in their life. I came out of this so frickin' empowered and invincible. Turns out Olivia can talk for 12 hours straight and is therefore the best person to take on long hikes. Enjoy these low quality iphone pics. 

  My kingdom. From Squaw Peak. A hike which I did not like very much but a view that made up for it

 Spanishhhh Forkkkk Hot Springs. I've lived in Utah for 8 years and have never made it to ANY hot springs. That was EIGHT YEARS WASTED. I'm hesitant to give away the secret but I trust you.  Secret: if you hike up a little but further from the main hot pots you will find some less trafficked ones that are way better than the ones below. This is typically where the naked people hang out if you can chill with that

Somewhere in the Unitas. Somehow I've never been? It was love at first campsite. I will probably spend all of next summer here. Dezi and I camped to pick up her boyfriend after he ran the Highline trail in like 23 hours or something ridiculous like that. We made the dumb mistake of accidentally telling two very friendly drunk  men with scary dogs that we we're just two girls camping by themselves waiting for a boyfriend to appear of the trail. Slept with bear spray that night.  

Red Pine Lake. But honestly how have I never been to so many of these places??? Hike was meh, but a great place to sleep in a hammock if you don't mind freezing your butt off. 

 Desolation Trail with my new hiking buddy Sarah. We are very committed to these mountains and hiking them together. Desolation is one of my most favorite hikes with a stellar view of the valley. Highly recommend. 

  DOG LAKE. SO COLD. Saw 0 dogs at this lake. Shocked and confused.

Sugar Loaf Peak. We were like "yeahhh seriously one of the easiest 12er's ever. No prob" But maybe don't climb it after a wet weekend with snow still on the trail. Wasn't the smartest.

This concludes the best hike recap of 2016. Gonna go cry for the next couple of months while I wait for the snow to melt.

Library/ Bird By Bird

Three Words: Unexpected. Relatable. Authentic.

A Few More:Anne Lamott is a writer that I put under my "tells you like it is, even the shiz" category. She's hysterical. From her Published work to her mini Facebook essays/ I laugh so hard I cry, and I cry some more because she's so right about most things. Although this book is about writing (which I didn't even realize when I picked it up), it really felt more like an excellent pep talk of, "it's okay if you suck at stuff! We all do!" which is really some of the best pep talks there are.

Here's a Taste: "If something inside of you is real, we will probably find it interesting, and it will probably be universal. So you must risk placing real emotion at the center of your work. Write straight into the emotional center of things. Write toward vulnerability. Risk being unliked. Tell the truth as you understand it. If you're a writer you have a moral obligation to do this. And it is a revolutionary act- truth is always subversive." (<-- I love that last line so much)

How To Be a Podcast Pro

I've been a podcast addict for about 5 years now. My phone is consistently telling my I'm almost out of space because I'm subscribed to so many. I've thought about cutting back but that doesn't sound fun.

Truth be told I've been listening to the same handful of podcasts for quite a while so I turned to my Facebook tribe last week for some new suggestions. I got a couple of messages wanting more information and episode suggestions so here is my super scientific step-by-step guide on how to be a podcast pro

1. Locate the podcast app on your smart phone or tablet. Don't have one of those? Pull out your music playing device. If you don't have any of those items than I'm sorry, you're a lost cause. Or my grandparents. (Hi Jerry and Margie!)

2.Subscribe to the podcasts you think you'll like. Don't know where to start? Well perfect, I just spent a dumb amount of time locating my favorite episodes and making you a list of suggestions!

3. Supplement mindless tasks (i.e. dishes, laundry, driving, cleaning, cooking, walking, online shopping, catching Pokemon, etc.) with this new content.

4. Absorb all this new knowledge

5. When at brunch with your friends, pretentiously mention that you recently listened to a podcast about the subject at hand and offer your newfound wisdom.

My Recommendations:

THIS AMERICAN LIFE
Hosted by my radio crush, Ira Glass, this is probably one of the more popular podcasts and for good reason. IT ROCKS. Every week they pick a new subject, and then bring 3 stories on that subject. It's brilliant storytelling if you ask me. (<-- nobody asked me)

Episodes I love
- Middle School (I don't know if a podcast episode has ever made me laugh so hard)
- Birds and Bees
- That's One Way to Do it

RADIO WEST
Hosted by my other radio crush, Doug Fabrizio, Radio West is a local Utah production. I love the broad range of topics and guests. Doug is never one to shy away from controversy and always has such high quality questions. Luv u Doug.

Episodes I love
- Why Empathy Matters  (Very important)
- How To Raise a Wild Child (Still pretty important)
- Asking for It  (Even more so important)

FREAKONOMICS
Isn't there already a book with the same title? How smart of you. There is. Hosted by one of book's authors, Stephen Dubner, this podcast"gets to the hidden side of everything", Random everyday things looked at from an economic perspective. Now, even for someone like me who loves herself some good economic inquiry's I still bore pretty easily. I promise this is a fun one and very easy to understand. I love almost every episode I listen to

Episodes I love
- Are We in a Mattress Store Bubble? (I have been wondering for years why the heck there are so many mattress stores)
- The No-Tipping Point (I can't tip without thinking about this podcast now)
- What's More Dangerous: Marijuana or Alcohol?

ECON TALK
This podcast is the whole reason I started listening to podcasts in the first place. It was recommended to me by my favorite high school teacher, Brennan Gee, when he got tired of all of my questions. It's a more in depth discussion of economics with usually a lot of terms I don't completely understand. understand. The host, Russ Roberts is incredibly smart and if he ever gave me life advice I would not second guess him.

Episodes I love
- Robert Frank on Dinner Table Economics (Start here if you want some basics)
- Michael O'Hare on Art Museums 
- Robert Arownowitz on Risky Medicine  (Makes you re-think a lot of medical procedures)

STUFF YOU MISSED IN HISTORY CLASS
Hosted by the ever perky and fun Holly Frey and Tracy Wilson, this is the stuff we should stick in every history class

Episodes I love
- Women in the USPS
- Oliver Haugh, Serial Killer (Creepy AF)
- The Cresent Hotel and Norman Baker

ON BEING
The podcast I never knew I wanted until I found it. Listening to On Being is part of my Sunday routine. The topics and guests are always engaging and I always walk away with a new perspective on humanity and spirituality.

Episodes I love
- The Dignity of Difference (Soooooo gooooood)
- Listening as an Act of Love
- Practicing Doubt, Redrawing Faith 

SERIAL
THE podcast of 2014-2015. People who had no idea what a podcast was previous to this debut, now are hooked. If you're not sure you'll like this whole podcast thing, start here. This one is addicting. Serial was started by the creators of This American Life, and I wont give any spoilers away. You can find more information about the 2 seasons here

CRIMINAL

Criminal is something I listen to when I want something short and quick. I found this after I listened to serial and needed more crime podcasts. The episodes are typically no longer than 30 minutes and always highlight the strangest stories about criminal things.

Episodes I love
- Just Mercy 
- Ex Libris 
- Animal Instincts  (This was the very first one I listened too, and then I was watching a crime show where this situation happened and guess who figured it our within the first 20 minutes? this girl. THANKS PODCAST)

MAGIC LESSONS
Based off of her most recent book, Elizabeth Gilbert created this 12 part mini series podcast where helps everyday peasants like us who are wanting to live creative lives. I really enjoyed her book, Big Magic, and have listened to all of these episodes a couple of times. It's my favorite podcast to listen to on road trips with friends because it always creates a good discussion. You can find all of them here

MORE PERFECT
I just started listening to this podcast... that I found through an interview on another podcast. Typical. Anyways, this is podcast spin off of another podcast, Radio Lab, which I sometimes listen to. It looks into the Who What and Why of the Supreme Court. So far I'm really enjoying it


Podcasts I'm excited to try: 99% Invisible, Let My People Think, Stuff You Should Know, True Story, The Moth Radio Hour, Unmistakable Creative, Note To Self, School Sucks Podcast, Red Ice Radio, and You Must Remember This.

Pretty please if you have any more podcast suggestions for my list, hit me up.

I am now at the point where I have typed the word 'podcast' so much it's starting to look funny.

Library / Tao Te Ching

Three words: Essence. Wisdom. Proverbs. 

A Few More: There are many differen't translations of the Tao Te Ching. All probably worth reading but this one is my favorite. The Tao (or 'The Way') is a brilliant piece of art. It is  text I pick up over and over again because it has contributed significantly to my learning of critical thinking. This is one of the most highlighted and  marked up books I own.  I also like it cause I think it's sassy in a kind of ancient-Chinese-spiritual-text kind of way

Here's a Taste: "On who live in accordance with nature does not go against the way of things. He moves in harmony with the present moment always knowing the truth of just what to do"

Bodies: A Short Story

*I was hesitant to write this post because there are a lot of words about body image out there. But as it turns out, even if my words reflect the many that have been written before, they are still my own. I write this in case I ever have to remind myself of these things, for the day my little siblings discover this blog, and to acknowledge the work of all the women and men in my life who have helped me see past my limited perception of what bodies are and aren't. Also cause I just wrote a paragraph justifying this to you and now my ego is way too big to stop. *

I. 

The home I grew up in had a 2 scales. One of them was picked up from the Las Vegas Goodwill and was used to weigh the packages of the random things my mom sold on Ebay. The other was a very neglected bathroom scale that sat dusty under my parents sink. This last scale disappeared early in my life and I don't really remember seeing any version of it past the age of 7. I asked my parents once about it's disappearance and they answered that they just no longer found it useful. My mother has never, not once, (in my presence at least) said anything negative about her body, or anyone else's body. Come to think of it, my mother doesn't say much at all about her body or other people's bodies.

My earliest memory is from the age of two. September 11, 1998 I baked a birthday cake with my older cousins as my mom labored in the next room. I remember very vividly watching my mom push and the way the women around her supported her body. When a good friend who wanted to start a conversation with her 11 year old daughter, asked me how my parents taught me about bodies, I told her they didn't really. There was never just one specific 30 minutes where my mom or dad sat me down for to explain my body to me.  I told her that in my home, talk about both birth and bodies were casually mixed in with conversations on the way to the park and over dinner plates of spaghetti. While my girlfriends were dealing with the embarrassment of starting their periods, my mom was throwing a party and taking me to get my ears pierced as a right of passage. A symbol of womanhood.

I want to take a second to recognize my privileged and other factors here as well; I am speaking as someone who resides in a a fairly functional white body and has a body shape that, by society's standards, is deemed beautiful and acceptable. Quite frankly, I had very few problems with my body, and I absolutely attribute this to genetics and the culture of my home. I recognize now that this may be an usual experience for a kid in the western world.

II.

Two week's shy of 15, I was in a pretty serious car accident where our car was t-boned and even though by some miracle nothing had been broken, I couldn't walk for two weeks. My body took years to fully heal. I was left with stretch marks from the swelling of my hips, uncomfortable sleep and if I didn't slow down I would have backaches for days. For whatever reason, the mental health issues I faced in the 2013-2015 year and the past trauma my body experienced brought along some strange side-affects. Of which I learned I was not going to get to be immune to poor body image my entire life.

I was indifferent, uninterested and frankly just no long gave a damn about my physical being. I wouldn't ever say that I felt like I hated my body. I mostly just avoided it. Mirrors, baths, anything that would force me to look or sit with myself for an extended period of time. I cried when my favorite pair of pants got too tight. then too loose. and then tight again. And swimming suits? yeah I didn't like that anymore either.

And to be honest, it took a long period of denial to recognize how I was subconsciously responding to my physical self. And as someone who always prided herself on how easy it was for her to feel comfortable with her skin it was painful to admit that this was something I was dealing with now.

III.
I actively seek out people who are willing to talk about their bodies. I love talking to women about how their relationship has changed with their bodies over time and sitting in circles to talk about how birth has effected that. I like talking with the men in my life and seeing how confused they are when I ask them how they feel about their bodies while we're sippin' milkshakes. I love sitting in the in downtown Salt Lake cafe's with my friends and hardcore critiquing societies idea of bodies with swear words and jokes. (JUST JOKING MOM I DON'T SWEAR). These conversations have been personal, raw, hilarious, painful and healing.  What I have come to listen to and realize, is that you can tell a lot about where you and others are in relation to their bodies by the narrative they share.

Bodies hold experiences. I don't know if I can stress this enough.  Our muscles and our DNA remember moments. They hold the traumatic things we have faced, and when triggered they remind of us of them. Epigenetic research shows how our ancestors traumatic experiences leave marks on our DNA makeup. These things don't necessarily change your DNA itself, but the way it operates. Our bodies hold more memories than we are aware of.

The narrative I have been telling myself about my body is a narrative about being powerless, about trauma, and a victim to societies ideals. It's the biggest sob story about a girl who was once very okay with things and then suddenly not at all.

IV.
Because I am such a visual person I developed some practices to help me see my body as it is; Once a week I would stand in front of a mirror, naked and set a timer for 5 minutes. I would stand there and tell myself all of the things I liked about my body. Both in terms of utility and in the abstract. I remind myself that come a 3 or 4 decades, what society considers beautiful will be something totally different and that my children will think the bushy eyebrow trend is hilarious and be horrified by the idea of aspiring to thigh gap. The rule is that I would always have to end by saying "you are a badass with a badass" because standing in front of a mirror naked with a timer going wasn't funny enough. (the best thing about making your own rules is you can make them, break them, and do whatever the heck you want)

During this time, I eavesdropped (shocker) on a conversation my co-workers we're having where one of them was sharing some mildly gross thing about thing their body. I think it had to with foot fungus. Which is gross but fascinating. My other co-worker commented that it was so "TMI". I mentioned this to my friend and co-worker Keri and we talked about what a high tolerance level we have for that kind of information.

Keri's conclusion in the conversation was, "Bodies are just bodies."

That may not sounds very profound but I was like, KERI SAY THAT AGAIN, THAT IS AN AMAZING STATEMENT

Can I frame it? Can I get it on a t-shirt? A mug would be great too.

I really think I'm gonna go to the BYU print shop and make a shirt if you want one

This became my new philosophy in the re-commitment to my body.

And my re-commitment didn't look like making myself see my body in a "correct" way

It looked like changing the narrative I told myself about it.

I let myself know that I didn't have to love my body  100% of the time. I just needed to own it. And I was responsible for the story I told about it.

One of my favorite no bullshit message about bodies come from a paragraph in Anne Lammott's book, Bird by Bird, Have you ever read any of her work? She is hilarious, spectacular and I love her. In Bird by Bird, Anne describes an experience she had shopping for a new dress with her friend, Pam. Anne comes out of the dressing room to model a lavender mini dress, which she describes as "not usually my style." She stood there self conscious, although the dress fit her perfectly. She then says "Do you think it makes my hips look big?" Her friend replies slowly with, "Annie? I really don't think you have that kind of time"

ISN'T THAT JUST THE BEST. Because really. DO we have that kind of time to be concerned with how our hips look in lavender mini dresses that we wouldn't normally wear but look awesome on us?

And while on the subject of time, can we just talk about how freakin' tired I am of apologizing for how hairy I am. I do not know if I can keep up with always trying to be waxed and shaved and plucked and smooth. For the love of all things holy can we PLEASE get over women's body hair already. I truly do not have the energy to be worried about how I look in lavender mini dresses or how hairy my legs are.

V.
What I am trying to ask of us is this: Can we take the time to reevaluate the narrative we have about our bodies, not coming at it from a place of correction, but from a place of reflection. Can we step into vulnerability and talk openly about the things that make it hard to accept our bodies as they are. Can we talk about the trauma and experiences we have had that shape our body image. Can we talk about how the hypermasucline image hurts men and how oversexualization hurts women. Can we talk about how our ideal of body has evolved over time and what we can do to create safe spaces. And can we please stop thinking that we ever have the right to say anything but loving things to each other about our bodies. That is if we even have the right to comment at all?

My body is a temple and I am the god. I am not my body, but nor am I without it.  My body is not a piece legislation or something to be debated. My body and sexuality is not the punchline of your joke. Sometimes I'm in love with it. Sometimes I'm neutral. Sometimes it makes me mad.  My body is made up of 7,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 (7 octillion) atoms but it also sometimes doesn't let me get out of bed and tries to kill me with some weird anomaly. My body isn't a big deal most of the time, but it's also very mysterious with all it's things going on inside. My body is never an apology, it is mine. My body is simply, just a body. 

Can I get an Amen?

This is me trying to walk the walk and not just talk the talk. Here is real life right now. Courtesy of this iphone picture. Roma's body

What 6th Graders Want You to Know

I got a lecture from my friends cousin who is currently in the 6th grade and so as she is the resident expert of all things middle school, I asked her what's cool these days.

 Take note. 

90's clothes are on the comeback. And you know the text lingo 'gr8'? meaning, "That's great". Well 'gr9' or 'gr11' is a step up from 'gr8'. Meaning 'That is AWESOME/ FANTASTIC'.

It is also very important to have a 'squad' and your squad needs to have a defined 'theme'. 

So here is one of my squads on our latest weekend to St.George and Vegas. They're gr9. Our theme is pending. We're trying to get it copyrighted before we go public with it. #middleschoolhierarchy 

Her

I was pleasantly surprised by a text I got a last week from my friend Sara while sitting in my lavender infused bath. She had sent a picture of two photographs from Anna Killians's BFA photography show, 'Her',  featured in the fine arts building at BYU. Next to the two photographs, side by side, are some words from me and Sara. I don't know Anna personally but a couple of months ago she posted on a Facebook forum I am apart of, asking us Mormon women to answer some questions on the Mormon theology of Heavenly Mother.  Questions like, Do you believe in a Heavenly Mother? How did your journey in the belief start? Where are you now in that journey?

I was a little bit scared as I zoomed in the picture and couldn't make out what words were printed before my name. Call me human, but I had totally forgot I had even submitted anything at all. As flattered as I was, I was also having a nervous conversation with my self in my head. ' I cant decided if I want it to be one of my angsty rants or my constructive rant. Which rant is it??? Nothing edgier with my name on it will ever make it onto the walls of BYU!!'  


I went to for myself to see which one of my rants made it to it's fame and was amazed by how beautiful her work was. Not only are her photographs stunning, but combined the the wide range of responses with women and her interpretations of feminine divine, it was a powerful exhibit to bare witness to.

(you can see all of the photographs here)

Heavenly Mother is a pretty taboo subject to bring up over funeral potatoes and jello. You would raise quiteeee a few eye brows and make a couple of the elderly grab their hearts if you were to mention her over the pulpit. Perhaps it's due to the obscurity and lack of 'revelation' on the subject, or to because we've spent so long with a Patriarchal God we don't know what to do with a woman one. Maybe it's because of ever persisting non-doctrinal cultural beliefs such as, "She is too sacred to be talked about." Mention of Heavenly Mother are few and scattered. Even the article published by BYU compiling every historical reference of her from the beginning of Mormonism until now, is only 28 pages long. The best known reference being from the Mormon hymn 'O My Father' (also one of my fave hymns) penned from the kick butt Eliza R. Snow

In the heav'ns are parents single?
No, the thought makes reason stare;
Truth is reason - Truth eternal 
Tells me I've a mother there. 

Although I may not sit in very many church pews or potlucks these days, I still yearn for these conversations and still frequently pull from the ideas of the feminine divine that was instilled in me by my Mormon upbringing. A belief that has kindled curiosity, led me to calling myself a feminist. drawn me closer to my sisterhood, and given me space to explore my own idea of God.