"Where does it hurt?" That's a question the civil rights legend Ruby Sales learned to ask during the days of that movement - a question she found to have a power to drive the heart of the matter. It's a question we scarcely know how to ask in public life now."
Those were the words I heard coming from my headphones two weeks ago while listening to
this podcast on my walk to work.
Where does it hurt?
That question has been haunting me a little bit. Haunting probably isn't completely the right word - I definitely cleansed my life and new house with sage last week, so ain't nothin' haunting me right now.
Asking this question, both to myself and others, was like opening up Mary Poppins' bag of emotion. Things just kept coming! Where was all this stuff hiding? And how it all fit made no sense, but Mary doesn't freaking care. She's just gonna keep emptying the bag!
This isn't a self care post where I'm going to give tips like, "Eat 24 servings of kale!" or "If it's overcast, cut out construction paper suns and tape them to your window so you can trick yourself into thinking it's real sun." As thoughtful and nice those types of articles are, every time I read them I just go *_*... Duh. I'm not saying they aren't helpful, I'm just saying I don't need them to talk to me like my mom.
Look, it really sucks to not feel okay.
The term 'self care' is all the rage right now, and for good reason. We the people of this world are tired of burning out. 'Self care' is a clear and to the point way of encompassing the idea that we need to make sure we are taking care of ourselves. I prefer using 'the things I have to do to keep me from sticking a fork in my head because my whole world is literally going to implode,' but for the sake of word count, lets just use 'self care.'
So this is me comin' at ya from the middle of two hard weeks. Heck, I'm comin' at ya from 11 months of a pure mess, where everything I used to do to help me cope suddenly stopped working. Kind of like my work wifi does every day. I am currently at such a ridiculous point that, as I write this, I am literally using the voice to speech on my phone to create this rough draft, because typing this out felt too overwhelming.
Two things this month has taught me
+ I'm really not much good to anyone if I am not good to myself.
+ Taking care of yourself isn't a checklist (as much as I wish it was. I am VERY good at lists,) It's stupid that it took me so long to figure out that I wasn't going to magically feel better after I checked a few boxes. It's really an ongoing process, isn't it? It's this continual gathering of resources.
Here is what I found has worked for me. These are the things that are a step further than just "drink 80z of fresh spring water!" Just some ideas. Really I'm just writing this to say "hey, I hope you're doing okay." What are you doing to stay okay? I wanna know. I've got a lot of time on my hands, wanna get some tea?
Anywho,
Keep it intentional. Keep it thoughtful. Keep it FUN. Here's how I'm trying to deal with me stuff
Saying no. This is the hardest thing for me. My default mode is to try to please everyone and avoid confrontation.
Kiley Jenner is the master of selling her lip kit and I am the master of pleasing everyone in this world.
Stop spending so much time saying yes to others and spend more time saying yes to yourself.
No, I'm not in a place to take on that project right now. No, I can't do that for free. No, I think my time would more useful somewhere else. No, You don't get to talk to me that way. No, I don't think I can go out with you. No, that doesn't feel right to me. No, you will not go on the Price is Right without me thankyouverymuch.
Doesn't it just feel so
good to say no sometimes?
I heard someone wiser than me once say that they have "incorporated saying 'no' as a spiritual practice." I'm not really sure what that means, but I really like it.
Some of the people I look up to most in my life are the people who say "you know, I wish I could do that thing, but I think it is best for me to say no to that." I respect those people. Those are people who do some good work.
P.s. This isn't a pass to not do hard things or things you just don't feel like doing. I really want to use the word selfish, but *ugh* I'm just not going to because then I'll get into this long tangent about my definition of the word selfish, and I've got macaroni cooking so, maybe another time.
+ A Wiggle Wiggle Wiggle
I hope you get that song reference. Please get that song reference.
Not everyone is going to be able to be chill with this one, but let me tell ya, gettin' down makes me feel like a whole new person. Five minutes of hard core dancing is like coming out of a little cocoon and becoming a butterfly. (A really terrible dancing one but nonetheless, a butterfly). I'm like BAM. New me, who dis?
If you are feeling brave, you can make a dance video. This is one of my most favorite things to do. I am so excited for everyone that attends my funeral, because they are going to get the reveal of all reveals. My secret dance videos. I'm not brave enough to reveal them now, so you're going to have to wait. I'll probably still blush in my grave. I would like to bare my testimony that I have no idea why this tactic works for me, but it does.
I know that everyone, such as your mom and Doctor Oz tell you this; BUT MOVING YOUR BODY IS SO IMPORTANT AND I ALWAYS FORGET THAT. You just feel so much betterrrrr, For me it's: Hiking. Yoga. Dancing. Repeat.
You can catch me at Area 51 on Thursdays for 80's night. See you there.
+ Getting Clear
Putting words to paper is like sending a maid service into my head to start picking up the mess. When things are really bad, I lose all of my desire to do anything creative, and then I feel worse because I try to force it. So I streamlined it and created a ritual I don't have to think about. I take some paper and sit down and ask three main things. (Sometimes other questions come along as well.)
- What do you want?
I usually answer this with, 'a really big ice cream cone from Arctic Circle with the chocolate around it'
- How do you actually feel?
Usually answered with, 'Really annoyed that I even have to answer this question.'
- What is going on?
Answer, "Everything really sucks and literally my life is ruined."
And a new question;
Where does it hurt?
Getting clear has been good self care, because it makes me step back and look at what is actually going on.
+ Words that Push, Pull & Hold
I've spent a lot of years collecting what Valerie Kair calls "Treasure Troves of scripture." These are the songs, quotes, poems, and art that offer perspective and feeds the hungry parts of my soul. They may not fix things, but they keep me going.
I have a notebook where I keep passages I love from books.
A notebook where I take random notes from epiphanies and conversations.
I keep a list of
slam poetry and
talks that keep me feeling good. I also love
this pep talk generator from Babe Vibes
+ Sacred Places
The mountains, your best friends couch, the empty place in your head, your therapists office, the coffee shop you've been going to for 5 years, your bed, you're parents house, your favorite climbing route, the yoga mat, the library, the corner of your closet by your candy stash, your sick bike.
Whatever that sacred place looks like for you. Whether physical or maybe a little bit more abstract.
This weekend I was invited to attended a mini retreat put on by the Sacred Living Movement. It was a day of sisterhood, community and letting go. Being with my tribe. Coming into a circle Talking about our crap. These are the sacred places that offer refuge.
To take a second of vulnerability - that I hopefully wont regret later - I called and made my first appointment with a therapist yesterday. Something I should have done two years ago, at least.
The thing about shame is that it tries to tell you that you don't need to ask for help. But turns out in order to help process that shame it requires support. Which requires asking for help. But you don't ask for help because you feel shame. So then you feel shame about not asking for help. One of the biggest lies we tell ourselves is that we can do it alone.
Really ridiculous, but so true.
I once met someone that admitted they carried a picture of their celebrity crush in their pocket/purse to remind them they weren't doing things alone. *pause in blog post for ridiculous laughter*
Honestly, the most fail proof plan I've ever head.
+ Get the hell off the internet
Stop reading this now and go get some pizza with someone that makes you feel good about yourself. (Or something gluten free or vegan. I love all of you.) And please, for the love of all that is good and holy, please stop reading the comment section. You don't need it in your life right now. Unless is Amazon. Some of those product comments are really good content.
Take care. I trust you. I'm here if you need me.
